I spent the entire day drifting in and out of sleep. It felt as though the fatigue accumulated over the week was seeking compensation through the hours of Sunday. Since there were no special appointments or tasks to be done, I could rest with a comfortable mind. Thanks to that, I had no headache despite sleeping for quite a long time. It was something to be grateful for. I am the type to develop a headache whenever I sleep for more than eight hours, but today was different.
When I fell asleep as the night grew deep, I couldn't sleep soundly. Within the dream, I recognized it was a dream, yet I couldn't break free from it. It was the exact same situation as the suffocating pressure of the crowd I felt during the Halloween period in Itaewon. Countless people I had encountered throughout my life were trying to escape through a narrow doorway, and I was caught in the middle of them, utterly helpless. The constriction brought distress, and I tried to move my body to escape the agony, but I couldn't budge.
The crowd within the dream simply would not listen. They were merely gazing toward the exit door, surging forward like a tidal wave in a completely jammed passageway. Even when I shouted, they did not hear and just kept pushing. After such an agonizing time passed, I awoke to find it had been a very brief dream. I suppose I had slept for only about ten minutes.
It was 2:40 AM. After waking up, I paced around for a long time, contemplating whether to go back to sleep or not. The sense of fatigue wasn't significant. It felt as though the exhaustion had been completely resolved by the ample sleep in the morning. Rather than fatigue, there was hunger. I agonized for a good while over whether to eat the food left in the refrigerator, and eventually, I got up. The food I took out of the fridge was delicious, but what was even better was the water. I truly love drinking water these days. It is quite strange that it has become even more enjoyable lately, considering I have consumed it my entire life. Have I become quicker to feel thirst?
Sitting at the computer, I passed the time watching various videos. During that time, I came across a travel YouTuber and watched a review of a first-class airplane seat. Once I finished that video, YouTube showed me a 200-pyeong grand mansion in Pyeongchang-dong. After watching that as well, it showed me a beautiful train journey through Switzerland. Next was an Alaskan cruise trip. And finally, a three-hour-long video capturing the streets of Greece.
As I watched for a long while, I remembered my dream of definitely wanting to visit Switzerland with my parents, and I also remembered that my long-standing dream was to go and live in Italy or Switzerland. I had always yearned for those places—yearned so intensely, in fact, that I used to download various photos of the places I wanted to live in, go to a photo studio to print them out, and paste them in a highly visible spot. The height of the photos alone was about the size of a palm. That world I had wanted to visit so desperately. Yet, under the pretext of merely living, I had spent my time forgetting all about such dreams. I had lived as if I had forgotten them entirely.
Beholding the raw beauty offered by the world, several other dreams began to return to my memory as well. Among them was a Porsche. I have never driven a 911. My car was a 718 Cayman GTS. The car shown on YouTube was a 911. The sexiness displayed by the exposed midship engine is beautiful beyond description. The responsiveness felt during driving and the perfection sensed in the finish are awe-inspiring. Miraculous levels of products exist in this world, and products of such a miraculous caliber are treated as precious commodities, much like the finest caviar.
A sudden thought crossed my mind. A human being like myself also possessed various dreams, but in order to survive in society, one must provide tangible or intangible value to people. That does not necessarily have to be one-dimensional. However, much like the perfection and beauty that a Porsche provides, I too wanted to become that kind of person. A sense of perfection felt in what I have created. The human charisma radiating from the person that I am. If I could forge both, wouldn't that be a truly magnificent life?
Just because it is a dream, I do not believe that life is meaningful only if that dream is achieved. Switzerland, Italy—in truth, it is the same anywhere, but one does not need to be wealthy enough to visit beautiful places frequently. Being able to be wealthy belongs to the realm of blessings. It is something granted selectively to the chosen ones when opportunity and effort are entirely combined.
However, the things under my control are far easier to achieve than external success. I can make myself beautiful. Creating my own health and outward beauty is an easier task than buying a mansion in Switzerland. While making a fortune by creating the world's finest product is not easy, creating a product that satisfies every single standard I have set for myself is relatively easy. Making a flawless product of my own conception. Creating an excellent version of myself. Perhaps by that alone, a human being will be evaluated as profoundly beautiful.
If only I can, I pray that I will become the human I wish to be so that abundance may dwell with me, and that this abundance will not stop with me alone but ripple out to those I love.
When I close my eyes, I wake up from nightmares that leave my chest heavy, yet beholding the Greek beach right before my eyes, where the sound of cool waves can be heard, brings a fresh wave of emotion. If I have a dream, it is to spend time with those I love, as much as possible, during the time granted to me in this life. To me, neither money nor success is the ultimate goal. If rest can dwell in my life, if there is a generous haven to become that rest, and if there are people to walk alongside for a long time—even at the moment of death, I will say it was a truly wonderful life.