In 1 Kings 19:4, Elijah begs Yahweh for death.
"It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers."
When he uttered these words, it was right after he had confronted and triumphed over the prophets of Baal and Asherah on Mount Carmel. Four hundred and fifty prophets who followed Baal were consumed by fire on the spot, proving that the God Elijah followed was the one true God. Yet, Queen Jezebel, a follower of Baal, commanded that Elijah be killed rather than turning to follow Yahweh.
Faced with repeated frustration and seeing that neither the king nor the people would change despite the countless miracles God performed, Elijah fell into despair and gave up on everything. In the midst of that process, he begged Yahweh to let him die. To kill him right then and there.
I am neither a great minister like Elijah, nor am I a prophet. Yet, my life was profoundly exhausted and desolate. When exactly was that? It feels like it was already about three months ago. One late night in April, I fell to my knees and prayed. I prayed for God to kill me because I no longer wished to live. I begged that if there truly was an almighty God, to please just let my life come to an end.
Though I pleaded for death in the midst of my agony, I did not die. It seems God still has a great many things left for me to do. Since then, I have been living with a very strange sensation. Days began where it felt as though someone else had come to live inside of me. Unlike before, I could no longer tolerate seeing anything unclean. I could not bear it unless I cleaned up every bit of filth in my house. I wiped and wiped again. Was it not said that a space must be clean and holy for God to dwell in? I could not leave the place where I stayed in a state of ruin.
After cleaning everything without rest, another spot would catch my eye. The furniture and the refrigerator, things I hadn't used, the windows and window frames, and every nook and cranny of the bathroom. I moved the bed, I moved the wardrobe, and I kept scrubbing away until everything was spotless. I threw away all sorts of antiques and electronics that were merely taking up space. I discarded worn-out clothes, and if there was even a minor stain on something, I washed it clean.
Over the next few weeks, as if I were someone who had achieved every single one of my goals, I began to plan for the distant future. What would I live for? It was as if I were a person who already possessed immense wealth. Pondering for those few weeks, I wrote down what I desired, planned them out, and discussed them. What emerged from that was IIA, and the detailed projects required for it were determined one by one.
What I have done over the past few months was simple:
- I arrived at the conclusion that a satellite was necessary.
- I contemplated products utilizing artificial intelligence.
- I designed a two-way encryption protocol.
- I explored spiritual traditions stretching from Christianity to Islam, Judaism, and even Gnosticism.
- I came to realize the rules of power.
Through this journey, I felt as though I finally understood what God wanted. To be precise, I felt as though I understood what the 'Player' wanted. I was like a single Sim being played in the hands of a Player. The game The Sims would be a fitting example. The Player creates the world of The Sims and watches what unfolds within it. In some cases, they intervene, but other times, they simply leave it running to observe. They may issue direct commands. Depending on their will, the Sims actively carry out those commands, but when faced with an impossible task, they return to what they originally intended to do.
The things I experienced over those few weeks were quite similar. Cleaning my dwelling, preparing for the future, and spending my time according to entirely different standards than before. To the point where I wondered if someone started playing me only after I begged for death. Would all of this be a mere game to them? A reality to someone, and a game to another.
Whoever the Player may be, and whether God exists or not, both Elijah and I lost our will to live and laid everything down. It is ironic. Why, despite possessing so much power and ability, does one become so weary and exhausted? Why, even after achieving the greatness that others so desperately desire, did we become too exhausted to do anything more? Why did Elijah grow so weary, even after witnessing God's miracles with his own eyes time and time again? Why did I grow so weary?
Returning to the Scriptures, Yahweh's response to Elijah is astonishing.
He lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God. — 1 Kings 19:5–8
After this, he receives his final mission:
- Anoint Hazael to be king over Aram (Syria).
- Anoint Jehu to be king over Israel.
- Appoint Elisha as the prophet to succeed him.
Thereafter, he appoints Elisha as prophet, establishes the kings, and ascends to heaven without experiencing death. That is the story of Elijah.
What will my story look like? Since He does not permit death no matter how earnestly I plead for it, what must I do with this life? If it is to ultimately fulfill the promise of the gateway made in my childhood, I suppose I must see it through to the very end. If I am alive, it means a mission still remains. Though I do not know when death will find me, during the moments I am alive, I must follow the still, small voice echoing within my heart. I must walk that path.
And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.” And the Lord said to him, “Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus. And when you arrive, you shall anoint Hazael to be king over Syria. And Jehu the son of Nimshi you shall anoint to be king over Israel, and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint to be prophet in your place. And the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael shall Jehu put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha put to death. Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him.” — 1 Kings 19:12–18